Top Ten Questions not to ask an adoptive family

I know that because of my nature I am probably guilty of asking some of these questions but since starting this process I can already see why these questions can range from insensitive to downright damaging.

Is she your real daughter?

This question is so insensitive and if asked in front of the child is quite a painful thing to say.  OF COURSE SHE IS MY REAL DAUGHTER!  I know you're wondering if the child is adopted but it's really none of your business.  And if you really cannot keep yourself from asking it why not ask something that takes the pressure off of the child like, "Are you an adoptive family?

How much did you have to pay for him?

We don't pay for the children but for lawyers and the government agencies who must complete all of the paperwork(which is quite a bit).  Please don't make my daughter think she is someTHING someone can go pick up from a store somewhere.

What a lucky girl!

Do you really want my daughter growing up thinking she was "lucky" to get a family of her own? That somehow, she didn't deserve one quite as much as everyone else?   It might be better to say something that takes the pressure off of my daughter like, "What a beautiful, lucky family.  Beautiful is mostly optional. :)

Why didn't their real mom want them?

Oh goodness, please please please don't say that in front of my kids.  Besides being such a heavy load that my girls will have to bear their whole lives, is there really any way to answer that in the aisle at the grocery store anyhow?

Aren't you afraid of all of the problems they'll have?

No more than my other kids.  Yes, there are issues that we'll have to sort through as a family but are we suggesting that biological children don't have issues?  Umm, Dr. Phil, anyone?

Why didn't you want an American baby?

Do you really want an answer or do you just want to find another way to judge someone else?  This is complicated, VERY personal, and in my mind, irrelevant.

Aren't you afraid their real parents will try to get them back?

No, and NO.  I am her REAL parent.

What's wrong with them?

I am assuming that you believe that since they weren't adopted until they were older that there must be some defect that made them undesirable and passed over until now.  First off, adoption is a complicated process that takes orphanages resources and time that most do not have.   Also, there over a million children without families in this world that will never be adopted.   I'd say that isn't a child's problem but a world/adult problem.  And in the end, she was supposed to be mine and we found her right when we were meant to.

Can't you have any kids of our own?

This is really personal, isn't it?  Let's just leave it at that.

You're a Saint!

Though this isn't a question it implies quite a lot and I am really uncomfortable with it.  To me it means: You are something better than me so I don't have to feel guilt about not adopting/You must be an amazing mom to think you're good enough to seek out new children/You must be so charitable to actually want to go through that process.  All of those feelings are FALSE.  I don't know why this was how our family came together but I do think more people should open their hearts to it.

And as a great man once said, "Now you know and...