Sunday, February 26, 2012

Trusting, waiting, resting.

Cute Pearl on the left.
This is a long process.  At first, I was so overcome with the new feelings of love that I had for Pearl and felt so much joy in that.  But quickly that joy would turn into a panic because one of my children was literally on the other side of the earth and I had no way to get to her or see her!  And that was overwhelming and stressful but it was also beautifully emotional.  And for a while I think I needed to feel that intense about the whole thing - in order to bind me to this little girl who I've never met before.  But I just couldn't go on like that forever - it was making me feel so wasted and stressed - it was making it hard for me to get anything done.  I knew that the Lord had whispered to our hearts that she was going to come home to our family but I thought that it was dependent upon my perfection.  I thought that I had to prove to God that I was a good enough mother to deserve her.  I felt like He was saying to me, "Sure you can bring her home but first you have to do a, b, c, d, e, f..." I thought the blessing of adding to our family through adoption required my perfection.  I would literally walk in circles around my house with tears in my eyes.  So, about a month ago I decided it was time to truly have faith in the Lord.   To trust that He wanted me to let go of thinking the success of the adoption had anything to do with my worthiness.  To give myself over to the Lord.   To stop worrying and start letting the love of God into my heart.

Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven. 
Matthew 18:3

I think this verse means really trusting the Lord.  Putting your hand in His, listening to what He wants to tell you, and then having complete trust in His will.  When you tell your child that you are going to do something nice for them they do not feel like they need to do anything to deserve it.  They are just grateful and excited. And of course I am not saying that the Lord doesn't expect us to grow and develop but no amount of worry and anxiety is going to bring us closer to Him.  In the past month my relationship with the Lord has grown so much as I've stopped pridefully thinking that it is me bringing Pearl home.  I know He is bringing her to me.  I feel loved.  I feel blessed.   I am grateful.   And it makes me want to be better and to help others feel as loved and taken care of as I do.

"Delight thyself also in the Lord; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.

Commit thy way unto the Lord; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass.

And he shall bring forth thy righteousness as the light, and thy judgment as the noonday.

Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for him"

Psalms 37:4-7

p.s.  I didn't know that this blog was going to have such a religious overtone and I hope that for some of you it doesn't overshadow the beautiful process of bringing an orphan home with my personal thoughts on the Lord.  I guess this process is a very spiritual one for me. 

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Oh hey there, creepster.

This beautiful girl is a new Gap model and I LOVE her.

So, I am a slight creepster.  I have to admit that when I'm out and I see a little Asian girl - I stare.  For a long time.  And I might even reach my hand out a little hoping to touch her hair as she walks by.  I might even watch grown Asian women too.  Because suddenly one of my children will be a grown Asian woman someday.  And I just wonder what she might look/move/be like.  And perhaps also because she'll be looking at those women too - noticing that they look more like her than her mother does.

And last weekend I chaperoned a youth dance for church and there was a foreign exchange student from Taiwan there and I have to admit that I stole as many glances as possible - even tearing up at one point while watching her dance.  I'm a serious creepster, aren't I?

I can't wait to get her home. :)