“Faith and doubt cannot exist in the same mind at the same time, for one will dispel the other.” -Joseph Smith

Today I woke up frustrated.  Frustrated that it has taken us so long to get to this point in the process.  Frustrated wondering if it's the Lord's timetable or if it's my failings.   If you could combine all of my weaknesses into once process - it might be the adoption process.  I am terrible at deadlines and getting things mailed - like dismally bad.  And I'm terrible at complicated details and the adoption process is full of ridiculously pointless details.   I'm also terrible at doing things that I don't have the money to do.  I'm great at pulling back and doing nothing when I can't afford something but I don't think I'm so great at being creative and getting things done without money.  I've tried to overcome those things but I keep finding that I missed something or that I did something wrong or I wonder if I couldn't have pushed our finances more.  So frustrating.

And there in China sit my two little girls.  Perhaps the Lord knew my weaknesses(He did) and planned it to take this long.  Perhaps he wanted me to learn something from that.  I'm not sure what yet though.  I feel as though I am on a treadmill eternally running "toward" a carrot just out of grasp.  It makes me have irrational fears like that they'll see that we're not good enough and give the girls to someone else.  That we'll hit some deadline and be dumped.  Or that we'll die before we get there.  Serious faith promoting stuff, folks.

Why must it be this way?  Why am I so terrible at this?  Why can't we be traveling to them right now?  Will we be good enough?  Will they love us?     


He loves us and he loves them - we will be together.  All is right.  Keep pushing, keep believing.  It will come to pass.

"Trust in the Lord, and do good; so shalt thou dwell in the land, and verily thou shalt be fed.
Delight thyself also in the Lord; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.
Commit thy way unto the Lord; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass.
And he shall bring forth thy righteousness as the light, and thy judgment as the noonday.
Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for him"

Psalm 37:3-7