Trusting, waiting, resting.

Cute Pearl on the left.

This is a long process.  At first, I was so overcome with the new feelings of love that I had for Pearl and felt so much joy in that.  But quickly that joy would turn into a panic because one of my children was literally on the other side of the earth and I had no way to get to her or see her!  And that was overwhelming and stressful but it was also beautifully emotional.  And for a while I think I needed to feel that intense about the whole thing - in order to bind me to this little girl who I've never met before.  But I just couldn't go on like that forever - it was making me feel so wasted and stressed - it was making it hard for me to get anything done.  I knew that the Lord had whispered to our hearts that she was going to come home to our family but I thought that it was dependent upon my perfection.  I thought that I had to prove to God that I was a good enough mother to deserve her.  I felt like He was saying to me, "Sure you can bring her home but first you have to do a, b, c, d, e, f..." I thought the blessing of adding to our family through adoption required my perfection.  I would literally walk in circles around my house with tears in my eyes.  So, about a month ago I decided it was time to truly have faith in the Lord.   To trust that He wanted me to let go of thinking the success of the adoption had anything to do with my worthiness.  To give myself over to the Lord.   To stop worrying and start letting the love of God into my heart.

Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven. 

Matthew 18:3

I think this verse means really trusting the Lord.  Putting your hand in His, listening to what He wants to tell you, and then having complete trust in His will.  When you tell your child that you are going to do something nice for them they do not feel like they need to do anything to deserve it.  They are just grateful and excited. And of course I am not saying that the Lord doesn't expect us to grow and develop but no amount of worry and anxiety is going to bring us closer to Him.  In the past month my relationship with the Lord has grown so much as I've stopped pridefully thinking that it is me bringing Pearl home.  I know He is bringing her to me.  I feel loved.  I feel blessed.   I am grateful.   And it makes me want to be better and to help others feel as loved and taken care of as I do.

"Delight thyself also in the Lord; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.

Commit thy way unto the Lord; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass.

And he shall bring forth thy righteousness as the light, and thy judgment as the noonday.

Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for him"

Psalms 37:4-7

p.s.  I didn't know that this blog was going to have such a religious overtone and I hope that for some of you it doesn't overshadow the beautiful process of bringing an orphan home with my personal thoughts on the Lord.  I guess this process is a very spiritual one for me. 

Oh hey there, creepster.

This beautiful girl is a new Gap model and I LOVE her.

So, I am a slight creepster.  I have to admit that when I'm out and I see a little Asian girl - I stare.  For a long time.  And I might even reach my hand out a little hoping to touch her hair as she walks by.  I might even watch grown Asian women too.  Because suddenly one of my children will be a grown Asian woman someday.  And I just wonder what she might look/move/be like.  And perhaps also because she'll be looking at those women too - noticing that they look more like her than her mother does.

And last weekend I chaperoned a youth dance for church and there was a foreign exchange student from Taiwan there and I have to admit that I stole as many glances as possible - even tearing up at one point while watching her dance.  I'm a serious creepster, aren't I?

I can't wait to get her home. :)

Getting our "girl".

Often when people hear that we are adopting Pearl they say, "Oh, going to get your girl, are you?" And honestly, I'm a little sensitive about that.  I guess I'm sensitive because I don't want people to think we chose Pearl because of that - like we went shopping for a daughter or something.  When making the decision to adopt I was open to a boy or a girl.  So, you might ask, why did we choose her?  Well, there's a story behind that...

When I got pregnant with Asher I really did hope we were finally getting a girl because I knew it might be my last pregnancy.  I was on my fifth pregnancy and it was going to be my fourth c-section.  I also knew that I'm not a very good pregnant mom - the whole family goes on hold for like a year or more when I have a baby.  So, with all that in mind, I knew this was probably it. And then when we went in for the ultrasound and saw our little Asher rolling around in my belly I was overjoyed to be having another son.

And then we made the decision to be done.  And it's a good thing because a few months ago I had an ultrasound and the wall of my uterus is only 2 mm thick!  Insane - there is no way my body could stretch that much again!  But even though we knew I was done I have honestly mourned over my ability to have more children.  I know I could love more, handle more, raise more.

Andrew being the wonderfully quirky,  sensitive,  funny,  sweet Andrew.

And then Andrew, my seven year old, started his campaign for a sister.  It has been a small, grass roots effort, but totally effective.  To really understand it's effectiveness you need to understand Andrew.  This kid has a gift for emotion.  His emotional IQ  is unbelievable sometimes.  He is able to understand, process, and perceive things that some adults can't.  And so, when he speaks about matters of the heart or spirituality in our home, we tend to listen.  Anyhow, about every other day he would say things in passing like but not limited to, "Mom, sometimes I pretend like I have a sister and it makes me so happy."  or while walking by holding a cat, "I guess you'll just have to be my sister."  or the most crushing of all and said with a sigh, "I know that I really want a sister but I guess I won't get one until heaven."  If you're wondering, I never responded to these statements - instead my heart was crushing inside of my chest.  But he did this for like TWO YEARS!  Over and over again - sometimes he wouldn't mention it for a while and I would think he was over it but then it would come back again.  So then one day I asked, "Andrew, what if someday we adopted a baby girl.  How would you feel about that?"  And he responded with a half hearted, "Oh, yeah, that would be pretty nice." which took me by surprise because of all of his pleas for a sister.  So I dug deeper, "But I thought you WANTED a sister!"  His reply, "I do but I wanted one about my age."

Hmm, I had to think that one over.  But now that I asked the question and he had spoken that statement out loud it entered his consciousness even more and so it became part of his little talk about sisters.  Now it was a sister around his age.  So, I pondered it and wondered if maybe he knew something I didn't know.  If perhaps his little sensitive soul knew that he had a sister who was missing.  Someone he loved and knew before this life who somehow hadn't shown up when she was supposed to in the family line-up.  Just typing that makes me tear up.

And so as you know we were told that it was finally time to adopt - we felt led to China and when deciding how to narrow done the field I said to my friend Jessica, "I'm looking for a little girl about 5 or 6." following Andrew's lead.  I thought it would be a good place to start and see where it would take us.  And then she emailed me back this image:

The first image we ever saw of Pearl.

Mike and I were on a trip in Utah when she emailed it to us and when both Mike and I saw it, we knew.  She just looked familiar - she fit.  She was right.  She was that little sister Andrew had been mentioning and not letting his parents forget about.  She was ours.

I don't know if Andrew and Pearl made a deal in heaven where Andrew promised that he wouldn't let us forget about her, but I kind of think they did.  I am so grateful for my sweet little boy who made sure that my sweet little girl came home to us.

GET OUT(or stay in) AND VOTE!

THE VOTING HAS BEGUN!

Click here to vote!

And if you feel so inclined - share the link on your facebook page, your blog, your arm - anywhere!  These voting things always get so fierce - especially when there is so much at stake! 

And what is at stake?

 I will get $1000 towards this adoption!  

And seriously, it will help us SO much!

Thanks, everyone!  I love you!

Hello, potential voters!

Have I asked enough of you yet?  Well, last week I found out that my agency is holding a photo contest worth $1000 towards your $5000 agency fee.  Since I am a photographer I was pretty excited thinking maybe I had a chance.  Yesterday though, I discovered that the winner was decided by votes and those kinds of things can be pretty fierce.  So, anyone think they are up to voting for my photo?

Obviously, Pearl isn't here yet so I couldn't take any pictures of my adopted child.  But our good friends the McComas family who inspired us to adopt and who have held our hand every step of the way, they have two of the cutest little girls from China and they graciously said I could come over last minute and take some pictures of them.

So here is my entry photo:

What a doll! And if you are so inclined - help us out by going to this site and voting for my image starting Monday!

Click here to vote!  

Pearl!

While talking with my agency today they said it would be ok if I DID share pictures of Pearl on my blog as long as I didn't use her Chinese name or the orphanage she is at...  I'm so excited!

Here's our little girl!

This is the most recent image we have of Pearl.  It was taken some time in November.  She is on the left.  I love how big she looks.

This picture was taken of her last August by a family picking up their child from her orphanage.  They brought candy which you can see her with here.  What a doll.

Here's a close-up from that same day.  I love this one.  I can't wait to touch those cheeks and that hair.

This cute one of her was taken a little over a year ago.  I love her little rosy cheeks and her smile.  So sweet.

I'm so happy to share her on here!  I can't wait to have her home!

To An Unknown Friend.

Friday evening someone left a hot chocolate canister full of change on our porch with the attached note, "For Pearl".  It was really touching.  Being the recipient of so much charity has been humbling.  It has increased my desire to give to others - to give what ever I have that some one might need.

It was especially touching when the next morning after my boys had seen it, my oldest offered the prayer over our breakfast meal and asked the Lord to bless the kind people who were helping us bring Pearl home.   What a gift they have given this mother - not only in helping me with the adoption but also to show my sons the true way of Christian discipleship.

As we sorted and counted the coins and the boys excitedly asked the amount we had gotten to I knew that they're lives will never be the same - neither will mine.  So thank you unknown friend, for the money and the lives changed.

Here's a beautiful little video about service and orphans in the Dominican Republic.   I can't wait to be in a position to serve like this some day...