Esther's baptism.

One of the main reasons I started this blog two years ago was to record what my feelings and experiences were on the adoption journey with the hopes that another family in this process would find comfort. And still I am so pleased to continue to share hope and happiness from our journey.  Recently some good friends returned from China with two new adopted children and they are in the thick of the hard stuff right now.  It was actually good for us to talk with them and reflect back on when we too felt overwhelmed and exhausted and slightly terrified.  Back then we worried, "Will we ever love them as much as our other children?"  "Will it always be so difficult?"  and there were even moments of ultimate discomfort when we asked ourselves, "Why on earth did we do this to ourselves?"

If you find yourself there - trust me on this - it will get better.  It will slowly - sometimes it's painful how slow - but it will get better.  And then after some time your heart will be overflowing with love and gratitude that you stuck it out and your dear children are home with you.  Today was one of those days for both Michael and I.  Today Esther was baptized and confirmed a member of the Church by Michael and it was beautiful.

Esther and Mike in their whites just before the baptism

In our faith, children who are over the age of eight and would like to be baptized need to take lessons from the missionaries and be interviewed to show that they understand the commitment of baptism and that they have truly gained a testimony for themselves of God and Jesus Christ.  Esther has been spending the last few months meeting with the sister missionaries and learning the principles of the Gospel.  She has been reading the scriptures, praying, attending church, and asking the Lord to answer her prayers.  The very nature of this process has been difficult for Esther since it requires so much vulnerability and emotion.  She has not had very many people in her life safe enough to trust with her physical safety let alone emotional.  But line upon line, He has answered her prayers.  As we have shown her love, she has been able to feel His.  I can not say enough how loving parents enable a child to feel the love of a divine parent.  Without that safe and loving relationship, it makes it very difficult to understand a God full of love and grace and mercy.

These ladies have put their lives on hold for 18 months to teach others about Jesus Christ.  They were assigned to teach in Spokane and we are so grateful.  They have loved Esther and she has loved them right on back.

But today, after gaining a new and budding testimony, Esther was baptized.  We were overwhelmed with love and gratitude.  The spirit whispered to our hearts that we were attended by angels and we could feel it.  The Lord loves his children and these girls are very special to Him.  How marvelous it is to feel His love for them mingled with our own. 

The ragamuffin group.

My heart was bursting with love for my sweet daughter today.

Next month we are traveling to Boise to be with family and to take the girls to the temple there.  There we will be sealed together as a family for eternity - the same temple that Mike and I were married and sealed over 13 years ago.  We are so incredibly grateful for the atonement of Jesus Christ - that His love and sacrifice is helping to heal our daughter's hearts of the pain and anguish.  But even more grateful that He has given us temples so that we can receive the ultimate blessing to be a family forever.

Two Months Home

Last week we hit our two month home mark and I often find myself marveling at the miracle that took place over the last year and  a half.  Last night while watching a movie together, the kids in their pj's all laying on the floor around us, it hit me once again how monumental this whole thing has been.  We traveled to the other side of the planet, plucked two girls out of impoverished circumstances - and gave them a family.  I say "gave them" when the reality is actually that they always had a family - we were always their family.  For whatever reason the Lord has a mission for them to do and it has to be accomplished by the both of them starting off in China.  I know they are my daughters.  There is no longer any question in my mind or my heart.  They are mine and I am theirs.  It was always so.  It was only a matter of time before we remembered one another and found our way together again.  I am once again reminded of the Chinese proverb:

An invisible red thread connects those who are destined to meet, regardless of time, place, or circumstances. The thread may stretch or tangle but will never break.

And so we continue to get to know one another again.  Esther continues to speed along with her English while Pearl is taking a little longer.  They are both going to school and love it immensely.   We feel like a family although not speaking the same language takes it's toll on me sometimes.  A couple of weeks ago we met with a woman at the school who is originally from China and speaks Mandarin.  It slightly broke my heart to see how much Pearl lit up and started jabbering away.  She is still not as talkative with me though more and more we see little glimpses of her light.

It is getting so warm here and since our sweet little house doesn't have air conditioning we are spending a lot of evenings our in the yard eating dinner.  Last night was lovely as we picnicked under the cherry tree and were surrounded by the sweetness of the lilacs and other fragrant flowers.  I love it here in spring and for the first time in the girl's life they get to experience the beauty of the seasons.  Something that was so hard to do in the big cities they came from.

I am so grateful to be a mother to my six children- even though the car is like a traveling circus and my days are jam packed.  The joy I find in my sweet ones is immeasurable.  I am so grateful that the Lord helped me to remember that I had more than the four I bore.  Our lives would have been so incomplete without Pearl and Esther.

Picnic time.

Homemade go-cart by Elijah - it doesn't look like much...and it isn't.  But the kids love it.

Here is one of those glimpses into Pearl's adorableness.

I am sure that Esther had no idea how beautiful she is before she came here.  She is still so surprised to hear us tell her about it but boy is she ever.

The Cherry tree.

Our view.

One Month Home.

Just a few days ago we hit our one month home mark.  I know I haven't been blogging much and it's not because things are hard or bad - it's because I have such a small amount of down time.  Our business is going really well and so both Mike and I are spending a lot of time on that.  And I am so grateful that it is.    Having the ability for both of us to work from home affords us the blessing of being with the kids all day and being able to tag team our duties.

So how are things going?  Really, really well.  Both girls are getting so comfortable here.  Honestly, their transition has been so easy.  They are truly attaching with us all - our love is growing, our understanding is growing, our communication is improving.  I couldn't have asked for an easier transition.  That being said, I'm emotionally exhausted.  I have been way out of my comfort zone for something like 7 weeks now(or 18 months!) and it takes a lot out of you.  I get tears in my eyes easily, I have to be more intentional with my stress management, and Mike and I have had such little emotional space for each other.    But it is getting better.  Just being aware of what is going on helps a lot.  As do good friends and other adoptive parents who can assure us that we are normal.

Esther's English is improving so much and it is amazing to watch.  She is decoding things and piecing things together into sentences.  Pearl is relying a lot on her big sister so she isn't trying as hard.  They both start school next week - Esther in 4th grade and Pearl in kindergarten- and that should help them both.  They love to get out and play with other kids.  They love church.  We're all excited because they are getting pretty bored around here but it has been a good time for us to get to know one another better.

I wish that my writing abilities were better so that I could describe this process in greater detail but I'm not even sure if I have words for it yet.  I wonder if in a couple months I will be able to do that.  Right now living it is about all that I can do.   It is slightly familiar territory though.  We feel a lot like we do when we have a brand new baby.  Exhausted, overwhelmed, emotional, happy, delirious, grateful.

One of the most enjoyable parts is introducing the girls to so many new things.  Their first campfire, their first smores, Pearl's first lost tooth, treats, roller-skating, easter egg hunting, spring.  Both girls are from big(polluted) cities so just getting to experience the seasons is new and wonderful to them.  Swinging on a rope swing hanging from a tree branch, family dance contests, Michael Jackson youtube videos, mud puddles, American schools, church, blue skies, all of it brings such joy - for them as well as us as we experience it all over again through new eyes.    Yesterday Esther asked me through google translate if I had happy birthdays in my childhood.  I told her I did and she replied in broken English, "Esther no happy birthdays."  I told her that next month on her birthday we will have cake and friends and a party with gifts.  She was so excited.

I have found that as I take care of myself spiritually I have greater love for the girls.  If I am spending time with my scriptures or in prayer - my attachment with the girls grows.  I am grateful that the Lord magnifies my abilities and adds to me - I can feel it.  I am also grateful for friends who have talents and skills in other healing modalities that have truly blessed us so much.

Nearly two years ago when Mike and I sat down and opened our hearts to hear what the Lord wanted us to do with our lives we felt impressed that someday we would adopt, among other things.  We felt that there were two girls and a boy out there.  We didn't know how soon we would find those two girls!  But what about that boy?  We don't know yet.  When we came home we were so spent we couldn't even think about adopting again - we didn't want to even open our minds to the possibility.  Slowly, ever so slowly, our hearts are mending and we are beginning to feel safe enough to say that yes, we will return to adoption again.  It becomes easier as our love and gratitude for our sweet daughters grows.  Already I wonder what we would have done without them.   This past weekend while watching a church conference I realized that there was a little daydream of sorts floating through the background of my brain and that it was of Mike and I in Guangzhou with a little boy on Mike's shoulders.  I was surprised by that thought and I know it wasn't mine.  I am grateful for those little whisperings.

Thank you all for your support.  You are part of this amazing miracle.  These girls belonged in our family.  They feel it - we feel it.  They fit right in too - both are crazy and talkative and full of energy.  How will I ever repay you all for that?  I will be in your debt for eternity.  I kind of like that - to think of us all in the next life with eternal debts to one another.